Immortals Movie Review: It’s Really Bad and Not in a Good Way

I just got out of the theater after watching Immortals and I’m not going to mince words here. It was a let down. My anticipation was that it would give me that 300-like experience and it soooo did not. The movie is flawed for it’s story line and underwhelming acting ability. I’m glad I only spent $5 using my Google offer from fandango to watch the 3D showing. Let’s get into the break down, I’m going to spoil the movie as I feel that the storyline was so bad I need support it by making references. If you plan to watch then you might want to stop reading now. Mickey Rourke plays King Hyperion, a man who’s family was taken away from him through violence and he decides to take vengeance on the gods by releasing the titans. The titans are enemies of the gods and are depicted as Greek zombies. I was totally deflated by the lack of individualism and how the titans all looked like drones. Nothing epic like mountain sized beings with extraordinary powers. Just really fast zombies. They tell a story of a special bow that can kill gods and has been hidden away for a long time. King Hyperion wants it so he scours and conquers the god worshiping cities that might be able to give him a clue as to where the bow is, he is also looking for a virgin oracle who has visions about the future that could lead him to the bow. During his search he invades a city inhabited by Theseus played by Henry Cavill. Theseus is a bastard son of a raped woman in his village and is shunned by everyone for being so. Hyperion mercilessly kills his mother and makes him a slave. Theseus swears to kill Hyperion. What Hyperion does not know is that Zeus has been hanging around the village in the form of a old man training Theseus in the ways of a warrior. As a slave to Hyperion Theseus meets the oracle who has been captured and they make a escape with other slave prisoners.

Theseus, oracle and the slaves try to get away by boat and are trapped by Hyperion’s men. Poseiden jumps in the water to save the team by creating a massive tsunami. Zeus is pissed that a god interfered with the affairs of man and mandates that any god who does it again will be killed by Zeus himself. Theseus goes back to his village to bury his mother and while jamming her body into a catacomb chamber he finds that she is stuck. He investigates the obstacle and discovers the bow. (That was pretty lame.) A bull warrior fights Theseus in the catacombs and wounds him badly, as Theseus comes out of the catacombs he finds his friends are in trouble and uses the bow to kill off the enemies. The oracle can only see the future if she’s a virgin and decides she does not want to see the future anymore and gives herself to Theseus (Ok, so the world could use a seer to tell them what’s going on and instead she decides to do the nasty and ditch her ability). He heals up the same way you do playing Grand Theft Auto in the back of a car apparently. Armed with the bow, Theseus heads to a fortress where a large Greek population is awaiting defense to Hyperion. On their way back they get suckered into a trap where three fake oracles are trapped in a burning metal bull to bake for hiding the one true oracle as punishment. A monk traveling with Theseus’s team is enraged by their treatment and runs off to take vengeance but instead sends everyone into a trap. The bow is taken away by a dog! WTF?, and Aries shows up to save the rag-tag team. The fighting scenes with the gods were all pretty nice with slow motion and quick artistic combat moves with weapons. Aries turns the attackers into butter with his hammer and for interfering in the affairs of mortals against Zeus’s wishes, Zeus comes down and flame whips Aries to death. Zeus looks at Theseus and pretty much says don’t let me down, you won’t get anymore help, I believe in you. Theseus goes to the fortress to let them know Hyperion has the bow. The politicians are ready to negotiate with Hyperion and Theseus gears up to fight. Hyperion shows up at the fortress to talk to Theseus tells him that he’s going to die. Theseus is mad and shuts the huge door entrance. The next day Hyperion shows up with his men and the magic bow. He launches one arrow and blows the door open leaving a passage way through a narrow tunnel. The guards all flee the area and Thesus has a underwhelming 300 speech keep the men from running off. He even includes a line that says “In here their numbers count for nothing!” It’s a long winded speech and if it were me I’d still take off. The speech felt cheap and not very motivating that I started to think “what a FAILED attempt at a 300-like speech.” Theseus is not King Leonidis by a long shot! The soldiers stop crying, toughen up and start to defend the fortress through the tunnel. Meanwhile Hyperion knows that the fortress holds the titan’s cage and somehow magically knows to blow a wall up to get to the jail. Theseus in turn somehow knows where to find Hyperion in the middle of the fight and when he catches up to Hyperion he finds Hyperion has a arrow cocked to release the titans. Theseus FAILS to stop Hyperion and Zeus shows up to tell him to leave and go kill Hyperion (Way to blow it Theseus!). The gods show up in a golden flash to start fighting the titans. (Again, I’m saddened that the Titans are just really fast zombies.) This scene shows the best usage of 3D and in some cases it might seem like the only part of the movie where 3D was used. Poseiden, Athena and other gods get killed or incapacitated and Zeus decides to bring the entire place down by pulling a couple of chains like some kind of auto-destruct. Theseus and Hyperion fight a sad fight in another room and Theseus kills Hyperion. Theseus is nearly dead and despite his FAILURE to retrieve the bow and stop Hyperion, he’s whisked away by Zeus holding a defeated Athena to heaven before the destruction of the fortress and mountain. The explosion levels everything and with all the men Hyperion had I don’t see how all of them could have been killed, they totally could of taken over! The movies ends with the gods granting Theseus a son for his FAILURE to stop ANYTHING! We then learn that his son has the ability to see the future like his mother the oracle. In his vision he see’s the gods and titans fighting in heaven along with Theseus in the mix. (So let’s get this straight Zeus pulls the auto-destruct on the titans and a war still breaks out?! Another FAIL!) In conclusion the hero and the gods are FAILURES, the story line did not make sense and the acting is far from memorable. The movie was better than Clash of the Titans but not by much and if they make a second film like they’d expect us to believe, I think I’ll skip on it. Why didn’t I watch Jack and Jill? 3FAEZ6JRNHD7 Source